Go ahead, tell me that isn’t the scariest damn thing you’ve ever seen. It was an episode of The Bionic Woman that coined the term “fembot,” and they appeared in two multi-part episodes. The fembots didn’t have AI, but relied upon their programming. Plus, they didn’t mind when people dramatically tore off their faces to reveal the mechanics beneath.

The mindless, murderous fembots are creepy, evil and infiltrated my dreams for weeks when I was young. It’s the removable face that gets me. This also explains my fear of mannequins and CPR dummies.

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It’s a given that if you build a robotic version of Beelzebub, things are pretty much bound to go wrong. The crew of the Palomino had to know things were going to go badly as soon as they spied the big guy. Eccentric scientist Dr. Hans Reinhardt paints his right-hand bot blood red, gives him whirling blades where his friendly hands should go and to top it off, there just *might* be a person trapped inside Max’s scary shell.

For kids who went to see The Black Hole, Disney’s low-budget answer to Star Wars, Maximilian was the stuff of childhood nightmares. Maximilian was a killing machine who never spoke a word and played the robotic bully to the lovable V.I.N.cent voiced by the talented Roddy McDowall. Perched on the edge of a galactic abyss, Max proved that even in the farthest reaches of deep space, robots are nothing but bad news.

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This one isn’t even fair. They’re sexy. They’re handsome. They’re responsible for the genocide of the entire human race. Light years from the cheesy ‘bots from the original series (“By your command”), Ron Moore’s cylons gave the series the dark edge it deserved. The theme of man-made machines that rise up to destroy their masters isn’t new, but few have pulled it off with such grim perfection as Moore.

Even today, I can’t watch clips of human-like robots without thinking, someday this machine’s successors will burst into my home with bloodlust software running full-tilt. Seriously, can’t you picture this thing putting a gun to your head?

Yes, cylons were an easy choice. But for very good reason.

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HAL 9000 is probably the most terrifying  of the lot. He’s faceless, emotionless and the Discovery’s central nervous system. When astronauts Dave Bowman and Frank Poole discover that the supposedly infallible HAL has made a mistake in 2001: A Spacey Odyssey, they decide to shut down all but its most basic functions. HAL doesn’t take too kindly to this, and gets a bit homicidal.

At that point, the movie is part haunted house, part beat the clock and the very reason we don’t have Gypsy, Tom Servo or Crow on NASA missions! Arthur C. Clarke has provided sci-fi fans with one of the most memorable characters of all time, as well a strong deterrent for AI in outer space.

Think of what could be. Planet Express Ship! The Infinite Improbability Drive! Forget HAL, he’s why robots suck!

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The Stepford Wives

Written by the great Ira Levin, The Stepford Wives is part satire and part commentary. In the story, a young New Yorker moves to Stepford, Connecticut. She notices that the men of Stepford are married to impossibly beautiful and conciliatory women. Of course, the cyber-shit hits the fan when our heroine discovers the truth — those men have taken to killing their wives and replacing them with fawning robots. Above is what Bravo calls the movie’s scariest scene, and we agree.

Levin’s novel is a modern classic and the 1975 film adaptation by Bryan Forbes is terrific and damn creepy. Too creepy in fact. Artificial intelligence that drives murderous men to build high-tech sex toys? No, no. That’s not what we want!

All I’m after is a pit droid to change the oil in my Saturn. Maybe a bending unit to make hilariously rude comments. Levin’s robots are submissive and eerie. Bryan’s actresses are emotionless and distant. And they’re all coming between me and my own Twiki!

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Artificial intelligence research has progressed by leaps and … oh, who are we kidding? It sucks! A robot that can navigate a maze of pink Post-It Notes? Really? That’s the best we can do? Where are the cylons? Where’s Daryl Hannah in Bladerunner? Heck, where’s Bender?

I’ll tell you why we don’t have those things yet. In fact, it’s because of them! Every time we get a new movie like I, Robot or that forthcoming Bruce Willis stink bomb, it features sentient, pissed-off androids whose only motivation is to destroy human kind. Sure, it makes for an exciting movie but it hinders the MIT AI lab!

“Sure, I’ll fund your project,” says the wealthy investor. “It looks incredible. Here’s a a check for 10 million dollars. Who do I make this out … Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t these robots just going to rise up and enslave us?”

“Well no, Mr. High Profiled Investor. That’s just fiction and …”

“Don’t pull that over on me! I’ve seen The Stepford Wives!”

With this in mind, we’re begging sci-fi writers everywhere. Please write docile, helpful robots into your stories. We’re talking R2. We’re talking Rosie. But don’t do it for us, do it for these pathetic souls.

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